Hi guys, it’s been a long time since there have been any posts in here. I thought I’d share a funny story that involved E-Dog.
If you follow my FB page, you know that sometimes I get horrific cramps that feel like an entire fleet of alien babies is eating my pelvis. E suggested that medical marijuana may help. Of course, I’m in Georgia; if you even speak the words “medical marijuana” you’d be thrown in jail, or someone would try to cast demons out of you. So E was nice enough to mail me a care package of various samples, tucked neatly into a big tub of coffee grounds to guard against scent dogs. There was a chocolate bar, some gummy candies, a little package of chocolate chip cookies, and a little package of joints. Each package was labeled with the amount of THC per serving. What an amazing thing, legal medical marijuana. I thanked E and cursed the state I reside in.
Since I’d planned on using these things strictly for pain management, I waited a couple more weeks. Eventually it was time to have cramps again. Lucky for me, I finished an issue on the day of the worst cramps, so I figured, “Now is the perfect time to give this stuff a try.” E had warned me that the “Darth Vaders” were really strong, and since I was a newb, to be careful. I assumed he meant the joints, so I avoided those on the first go. I ate one little chocolate chip cookie.
It tasted like someone had put oregano in the cookie. Not terrible but definitely earthy. I went back upstairs to dink around on FB. Got offered a small project and was debating about taking it. While that discussion was going on, I looked at the clock. It had been almost an hour since I ate the cookie, and nothing had happened. “Hm, okay,” I thought. “Maybe they just don’t work.” I recalled an account written by a friend who tried pot brownies in Amsterdam and how four of them had had no effect on him. Maybe this was the same situ——
…and then it hit. Suddenly, my perception turned into a very stretchy rubber band. Within a minute or two, I went from being sober to feeling like I’d had two beers. Then three. I had to put the brakes on the discussion about the project, because I was acutely aware that I was not in any position to make any serious decisions. I got the hell offline quick because I didn’t want to say or do anything on FB that would be inappropriate.
I was fuckin’ stoned out of my gourd for over four hours. Good god. There was literally nothing I could do but lie down on the couch and be stoned and watch a “Face Off” marathon without comprehending anything that was going on in the show. At one point, I thought I was gonna hurl, but that was probably because I scarfed down almost an entire bag of potato chips. I didn’t hurl, but getting upstairs to the bathroom was interesting. I ended up leaning against the bed, panting like I’d just sprinted 500 yards, for what felt like half an hour but was probably five minutes. I had TERRIBLE cottonmouth well into the next day.
Randy got home around the 3-hour mark. I was still on the couch. I was both profound and unintelligible. My roommate Kelly got home about a half hour later. I’m pretty sure both of them were laughing at me. At one point, my left eye literally changed shape — everything went blurry and weird like I’d put on someone else’s glasses. That lasted a couple of minutes. I couldn’t string a sentence together. I couldn’t make a decision. I noticed that my sense of touch was dampened, which might be the key factor in pain management.
The high wore off slowly. I was only a little woozy by midnight (the high kicked in around 7 pm). We went to bed, but I had to get up several times to drink water, because of that really unpleasant cottonmouth and awful taste in my mouth.
The big question: Did it help the pain? It made me not think about it, except when a particularly bad cramp got me, but I didn’t feel like getting off the couch to go get some ibuprofen. So in that sense, I guess it worked, but the whole idea of pain management (to me) is to allow me to be functional. I was definitely NOT functional.
So, yeah. The cookies are either really strong or I’m a super newb. Either way, I did NOT like the effect. I do not like being unfunctional like that, at all. (I don’t even like being really drunk for the same reason.) It might have been fun if I was a third that stoned, but holy shit.
Now I have three more cookies, a bag of gummies, five joints and a candy bar that will either get regifted, or used very sparingly over the next couple of years. (Does THC have a use-by date? haha) Randy wants to try it. I will check the labels next time and find the item with the LEAST THC, and split it with Randy.